The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)
The e-mail said they were taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
The first rainbow was God's promise to Noah to never create such a flood again. God's word is chuck full of "rainbows" for us today:Have you ever noticed how the vast majority of the promises in the New Testament point to Christ's abilities? And yet we, as humans, have this tendency to think that it's somehow about us and what we can do. 
Have you ever had one of those experiences where you think you have things under control; you think you have a handle on things, and then something happens to make you realize you don't?
This week in Switzerland, the BMW Sauber F1 team introduced the world to Albert2, the know-it-all bag of silicon parts it hopes will give it an edge on the tarmac next season. No ordinary pile of sand, this. Albert2 is on the Top-500 list of most powerful supercomputers as Europe's fastest machine. Sporting processors from Intel, with whom the team has a sponsorship deal, Albert2 will take the place of a second wind tunnel -- which teams without supercomputers have been building -- calculating computational fluid dynamics (COMPFLUDY) problems (on its 10 trillion hands) for aerodynamics development. Under the hood, Albert2 has 256 nodes with two Intel Xeon 5160 dual-core processors each, with main memory is 2,048 GB, and maximum computing power of 12,288 gigaflops -- or 12,288,000,000,000 floating-point arithmetic operations per second. BMW says that's like everyone in Munich multiplying two eight-digit numbers every three-and-a-half seconds for an entire year. In other news, BMW-Sauber has laid off the entire population of Munich. – Mike Spinelli
"Lord, you are perfect LOVE, and you only want the best for me. You are perfect WISDOM, and you know what is best for me. And you are perfect POWER, and you are able to make it happen."
