RD.com

I needed a joke today, so I went to RD.com and found a few. Vote for your favorite and tell me which one you think is my favorite. :-) Pick one and only one. Who knows...you might even get a prize.

1. During his speech at my cousin's graduation, Bill Cosby was making the point that true wisdom comes not from a classroom but from life. When he was in college, he said, his class endlessly discussed the question: Is the glass half full or half empty? So Cosby asked his grandmother the same question. She had it all figured out: "Depends on whether you're pouring or drinking."

— Joke contributed by Jennifer McGeorge


2. When I went inside the station to pay for my tank of gas, I noticed a sign asking patrons to tell the cashier the number of their pump. Even though I was the only customer, I decided to be silly and tell him anyway. "I'm Number One," I announced. He smiled. "Well, now. Looks like those motivational tapes are really working for you."

— Joke contributed by Virginia Worzalla, Pewaukee, Wisconsin


3. Stormy weather diverted our Dallas-bound flight to another airport. As we approached the runway, the pilot came on the intercom: "For those of you who are not familiar with the area, this is Lubbock, Texas." Then he paused. "And for those of you who are familiar with this area, I think this is Lubbock, Texas."

— Joke contributed by Darrell Burton, Richmond, Indiana


4. Sounds of crashing and banging in the middle of the night sent me and my husband out to our garage. There we spotted three raccoons eating out of the cat dish. We shooed them away and went back to bed. Later that week we were driving home and I noticed three fat raccoons ambling down the road. "Do you think those are the same ones we chased off?" I asked. "Hard to tell," said my husband. "They were wearing masks."

— Joke contributed by Cherie Konvicka, Carson City, Nevada


5. Nothing seems to dim my 13-year-old son's sense of humor. And he's certainly not above being the butt of his own joke. Shortly after he was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD), he threw this at me: "Hey, Dad -- how many ADD children does it take to change a light bulb?" "I give up," I said. "Let's go ride our bikes."

— Joke contributed by Richard Hurd, Nazareth, Pennyslvania


6. "Your grandmother and I are going out to dinner," I said to my teenage daughter, Alicia. "Do you want to join us?" "No way," she answered grumpily. "I'm going to stay home and study." That evening my mother asked if Alicia was feeling well. "She's okay," I said, "just a little cranky." "Intelligent children can be very temperamental," my mother sighed. "I certainly didn't have that problem with you."

— Joke contributed by a.j. plaski

7. On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmm," I said. "That's sweet." "Actually," he admitted, "I thought that was the remote."

— Joke contributed by Stephanie Eele, Kingsville, Maryland


8. My sister Darlene has the courage -- but not always the skills -- to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Jesse, and I found Darlene attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained. "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?" Jesse suggested.

— Joke contributed by Judee Norton, Tuscon, Arizona


9. Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car. Seeing my astonished expression, one cop said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day, they mean it."

— Joke contributed by Danny Krumbholz, Midland, Texas


10. My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

— Joke contributed by Joe Conforti