New Comments. Share your thoughts. I'd love to hear what you've learned about this topic. Communication - Open, honest, loving communication is a beautiful thing. The bonds of friendship can be strengthen. The ties of Christian love can be tightened. Misunderstandings can be corrected. Assumptions can be laid to rest. Positive attributes can be raised to the surface. Beautiful change can begin.
Who said "Nothing good happens after midnight."?
God is good.
18 comments:
Wow....you were up early. :)
:) Actually I was up late.
Most of the advice I recieved about marriage can be summed up in one word: communication.
Aaron: Do you think that would apply strongly to all relationships or more-so to marriage than any other?
I'm not Aaron, but I think it strongly applies to all relationships.
Anon: What about guy/girl relationships before marriage?
I'm not Anon, but I think that communication is almost always a good thing (filtering words is a good thing though too). We are so programmed to think that there can be no communication between guys and girls before marriage that we can miss out on some pretty great friendships. It's kind of sad to me really. Just my opinion...
Anonymous #2: Thanks for the comment! Can you clarify what you mean by "We are so programmed..."?
Also, what if you are friends with a member of the opposite sex and begin to be attracted to them. Do you think you should communicate about that, or keep that to yourself until you're ready to propose?
a good question luke. also, let's put a different twist on things. what if it's the GIRL that has the feelings and the guy has no clue. does she share that w/ him? an elder? a mutual friend who can tell him?
i agree w/ anonymous number whoever you are on missing out on the friendships if you aren't willing to communicate. my best friend got married a week or so ago. so many people had us put together b/c we talked and had a lot of open, honest communication. but, b/c we knew each other SO well we knew we would never end up together. now, that's not always the case. some people that are good friends DO end up together. it all comes down to motives. my motives weren't to get married. (in fact they were the opposite) my motives were to grow spiritually w/ this friend God had placed in my life. and it helped that his were also the same. just friends, nothing more. then, when he DID start having feelings for a girl, he turned to me to talk things over, advice (though i'm not sure why), and simply someone to vent to b/c he knew i wasn't gonna go blabbing to people about everything. it was then that most people put us together b/c we would spend HOURS on the phone. i wanted so badly to tell them i couldn't marry him b/c God already had his woman picked out for him. most people thought i was living in denial.
so you guys remember last fall when college weekend was in champaign and ted witzig jr. talked? one thing he said was this, "you can have guy/ girl relationships but be careful. what will their future spouse say about you when they go through the reception line? will they say 'oh that's that guy that was after susie all the time' OR will they say 'oh you're that guy that helped susie through the difficult time in her life. THANK YOU for helping my wife grow closer to the Lord!'" from personal experience it is SO humbling and SUCH a blessing when it's the latter. and all b/c all i wanted was a good christian friend, nothing more, nothing less. wow, so i didn't expect my post to be THIS long. sorry!
simply my heart,
megan
Megan,
The challenge is definitely in the motives. The part where it can get sticky is in trying to discern the motives of the other party. Imagine how your friendship might have gone if your motive was strictly friendship and his was possible marriage, or vice-versa.
"what if it's the GIRL that has the feelings and the guy has no clue. does she share that w/ him? an elder? a mutual friend who can tell him?"
My advice: talk it over with an elder. He'll help you figure out what to do about it. Don't bring the 'mutual friend who can tell him' into it, because that could be putting that friend into a really tough spot.
On the issue of talking to your elder: Different elders will give you very different advice on an issue like that. I'm not saying that any of it would necessarily be bad advice, but I feel it's important to keep that in mind as we're making decisions on this topic. There isn't necessarily a "right or wrong" way to go about these things, but I do think some ways are more biblical than others.
That's true, different elders will give very different advice on issues like that. So while it might not be the only action to take, I continue to believe that talking with an elder about it is a good place to start.
I wasn't disagreeing with you. :-)
Interesting turn of events... I just wanted to comment on the original post... communication is key in relationships, in fact I would challenge just what IS a relationship that doesn't have communication?
Based on this and the current thread: What's the Psych 101 concept of the triangles of love... which one is void of simple communication? anyone know what I'm talking about:)
A couple thoughts from Anon 2...
1. By programmed I meant that we are brought up, reared, taught to believe, i.e. programmed, (in some cases, not all) that in guy/girl relationships, we should limit interaction. That's all I was meaning to say. This is so ingrained in our minds and hearts that as adults we have conversations about whether or not heart to heart communication is a good thing before marriage. It just seems kind of crazy to me...again just my opinion.
2. I completely agree that it is hard to discern the thoughts of others especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Because of this, I agree wholeheartedly that we should guard our hearts and not let some guy or girl's words from a conversation that you had ONCE mean you are supposed to marry a person. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. And who knows - maybe that person you've always thought was just a friend is more open to a closer relationship with you than you realized. I'm just saying it might be a possibility, not a certainty, so blog fans, please do not misunderstand! Be reasonable, be friendly, be nice, let God do the rest.
Not to say that it's easy! It's not, but I think that knowing you have friends who care more about you than just thinking you are a decent volleyball player is pretty important. We need those relationships.
So much too say and yet so close to bedtime...need to wrap this up...
3. What are you all doing updating this thing in the middle of the day? Do we all not have jobs? Ha ha! Enjoyed the blog post Luke! It's been fun to read!
This is Mark L.
Isn't it interesting how anything that has to do with relationships turns into a discussion about guy/girl relationships? Anyhow just one quick thought.
It is a very good idea, when faced with a decision about what to do, having feeling for someone, to talk to someone older and wiser. The importance open and honest conversation about your feeling with a mentor (especially one of the same sex) cannot be overstated. Everybody needs someone who is willing to give blunt honest clearheaded opinions that they can turn to for advice. As some one once put it, "[someone] who is willing to hit [you] over the head with a 2x4 is needed." One thing is for sure when you are dealing with emotions you are not thinking clearly. It may be hard, but talking to someone who is willing to be painfully honest and knows you very well is never a bad idea.
Also, remember, when it comes so talking to friends about your relationships you are involving another person. Putting friends in the middle is very rarely a good idea. Unlike talking about personal spiritual issues, when you talk about your feelings for another person you now have three people involved, your friend, the other person, and you. Caution must be used because you don't know what your friend or the other person feel.
Thanks for the contribution Mark. I agree mentors are a great asset to our Christian walk. I feel very strongly about that.
Great advice about discussing relationships with friends also.
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